I came back today from two weeks straight in the army. The 2.5 week program for new immigrants ended on Tuesday. We spent the last week of the program armed with long M-16 A1's. We had to sleep, shower, eat and go to the bathroom with the gun. If one was seen walking around anywhere without a gun, it's a serious offence. The reason for this, aside from the fear of a gun getting into the wrong hands, is that having a gun on you regardless of what you're doing makes you comfortable with it. You quickly get used to walking, running, sitting and doing just about everything else with the gun on you. From my performance on the shooting range, I have to say - thank G-d for lasik eye surgery. I am a good shot, and I don't need corrective eyeware.

Aside from learning to love to our M-16's, we did some running, some push-ups, and a fair amount of crawling around. Crawling sounds fun and easy, but it is not. It's one of the most difficult aspects of training. Covering 50 yards over rocky, thorny, muddy terrain as fast as possible and repeating multiple times, is not just physically exhausting. It's mentally taxing and it rips the skin off your elbows, as well as causing bruises in various parts of your body. I earned a gory gash on my right elbow, which is still healing. Push-ups also switched from being on the palms to being on our knuckles, and still on gravel. Fitness-wise, again, I have no problems. But the random strange pains are a problem for everyone. It does get easier though and I am told that within a month one's knuckles and elbows become hardened and the pain lessens significantly, until it vanishes entirely.

Finally, we did some hiking. By hiking, my commanders meant running, with equipment, up a 3 kilometer slope. Hard, but fun. Additionally, we spent some time learning to get into various firing positions. I can assure my Hollywood-trained readers that it's not as easy and simple as it it may seem. Tips for those thinking the army is for them - get good at crawling, falling and getting up quickly and smoothly, and don't be grossly obese. Not to much to ask for, and again, the army is about mental toughness. The physical part your body will learn to do on its own, your job is to keep mind in the right place.

A fun experience was the selection phase that I went through last week for my intended unit. It involved a significant amount of stress and only further emphasized the idea that if you're mentally capable, you can do anything. If you're mentally weak, no amount of physical training will help. Those who I think are interested in the details of this selection phase will receive personal e-mails. The basic point is that I was accepted and I am now slightly cooler than I used to be, or at least that's what I tell myself.

My last base, aside from being a good preparation for real training, has been socially interesting. I met everyone from a football jock from West Palm Beach Florida, to an Ethiopian who can run a 4:30 mile while chainsmoking, to crazy Russians, to Boston University frat boys, to very French Frenchmen, to a Dutch history student (much like myself but with 40 more lbs of muscle), to a Yale swimmer, to Russian super-athletes, to California surfers, to white-skinned Toronto-ians, to a crazy but cool Texan, to a Cuban-Miami type (yes, apparently there are Jews like that), and my favorite - a proper Brit with a BA in medieval literature and an MA in late medieval German literature from Oxford. This last case also rowed crew, and finds the "discipline" part of the IDF so easy it's basically a joke. If anyone knows guys who rowed crew and knows Brits, he'd understand why. The sport of crew and upper-class British society have rigid discipline the likes of which few armies can attain. Not to mention that, in all honesty, "discipline in the IDF" can hardly be called that. For someone with even a somewhat Anglo-Saxon background like me, the "discipline" part of the army is not a challenge.

On Tuesday, after giving back our temporary weapons, we were taken back to Bakum, the IDF's processing center. On the way, we stopped at a mall and enjoyed the special soldiers' discounts that the vendors seemed eager to force on us. A break from army food is always appreciated, although I can't be so cliche about it, since army food has so far been quite good. I then spent two days in limbo in Bakum. The Bakum experience can either be quick and painless, like my first time there, or it can be flat-out crazy. This time around it was the latter. Upon arrival, we were split up into "plugot klita" - absorption companies. This is basically a unit where you hang out temporarily while the bureacrats do the paperwork to send you to where you're supposed to be in the army. Of course, this is not an efficient system. The fact that you get a sticker with a number and that these numbers determine which absorption company you're in and therefore where and how you get processed, already bodes administrative problems. My plugat klita, like all plugot in Bakum, was supposedly assigned to various cleaning duties. We rebelled against our jobnik commander and told him that we intend to do nothing until the paper-pushers get us to our intended units. He was angry, but as a jobnik (someone who has no relation to combat) he should be used to getting lip from soldiers. I am therefore happy to say that I did not work in the kitchen nor clean anything during my 48 hours in Bakum. We slept in tents, which was an entirely arctic experience and we spent endless hours waiting to get 5-minute interviews with selection officers. Bakum basically felt like some sort of black hole. A place that exists but doesn't really relate to the outside world. A place where you're alive and well but practically imprisoned, and where you fate is determined by processes you have no control over. To add the excitement, fully half of the guys who came with me to Bakum ended up in Bakum's jail. Jail in Bakum is where they keep those who refuse the assignments that the jobnikim in Bakum attempt to send them to. It is widely known that if you stay in jail for a few days, up to two weeks, you will eventually get the assignment you want. Jail is not really jail by the way, it's just a more restrictive lifestyle in a crappier absorption company.

I guess all of this sounds crazy to the un-initiated, but within the bizarre IDF reality, it makes sense. All Israelis have fond memories of Bakum, and now so do I. The key thing, as with everything in life, is to have a sense of humor about it. Eventually, I was properly processed and representatives from my new unit had me sign a few papers, gave me some new gear, gave a speech about road safety and the dangers of alcohol and sent me home for a 3 day weekend. In IDF terms, 3 days off is considered luxurious. I am resting up this weekend, because first thing Sunday morning I report to my new base. Once there, I will have two weeks of pre-training, including further testing, before starting the actual training phase. IDF is all about preparation phases and although I initially thought they were a waste of time, I have changed my mind. Soldiers need time to get used to army life and break in their boots.

In other news, my room still looks like hell and clearly needs the proverbial woman's touch. I need a new bed, I need a normal chair and a rug. These things exist, but all I want to do with my free time is rest, not run from store to store. Shabbat was spent at my relatives', whose ability to feed me hot, home-cooked meals is greatly appreciated. I am going out with a couple of friends now, to sit in one of Emek Refaim's little cafes and discuss our progess as new Israelis. Some of my Ulpan Etzion people with the 6-month IDF obligation (making aliyah at ages 22-25) are deferring their service to do an MA. Some are about to start in December. The 6-month track is known as shlav gimmel and drafts in December and May every year. It allows only limited job choices, the most exciting of which is probably artillery. The other options are truck-driving and the like.

For those making aliyah aged 26 and up, you have to volunteer to do the 6-month service. I can assure you that, if you want it, you will get it. If you're a super-Zionist like myself, you can volunteer for an even longer service, which opens up more job options. If I ran Israel, every childless male immigrant aged 30 and under would be required to serve for 2 years. Those making aliyah aged 31-39 would have to do 6 months. But then again, I can be accused of being too patriotic or overly Zionist. Because clearly, even with our blatantly positive characteristics, we must be more moderate??!!? I think I am the sane one and everyone else is either over-intellectualizing or being egotistical. Usually a bit of both.

I recommend the new James Bond movie by the way. It's lacking in special effects and futuristic gadgets, which makes it much more realistic and overall a better movie. Go watch it. Anyways, I am going to regale my friends with war stories and show them my bruised elbow.